I Died in a Car Crash
by Ithil
Summary: [OT5] Convoluted OT5 fic: how it started, how it played out, and how it ended, but mostly that it ended. Parody in all senses of the word. Shameless crack.


**Disclaimer:** Considering the way manga canon is going, I'm actually very relieved that I don't own this series right now.

**Notes:** They're at the end of the fic. I'll kill the joke otherwise. Also, I wrote this in a restaurant. On a napkin. Or, rather, several napkins.

* * *

**i died in a car crash**  
_and left my sanity behind with a tricycle_

**HOW IT STARTED**

Yukimura sighed and looked at the windows. "It's raining."

Niou agreed.

* * *

**HOW IT PLAYED OUT**

"Oh, _please_," Atobe groaned. "Oh for the love of - no, that is - that is _unbelievably_ pathetic, even for you."

"What?" Fuji asked, twinkling innocently. "You mean the chair?"

"Yes, I mean the chair," Atobe snapped. "And the rope."

"And the binds?"

"Yes, yes, the binds and -"

"Funny, though," Fuji mused. "I'd expected Tezuka to wake up fi - oh, there he is now."

"Explaining _why we are in a basement_, in this condition, would also be very helpful."

"Well," Fuji said, "I really don't know."

"Liar," Tezuka managed. "I feel a bit woozy..."

"You were drugged," Fuji supplied, "much like the rest of us."

Atobe looked at him. "You obviously weren't."

"Oh no, I most definitely was," Fuji said cheerfully, "except I think I've developed resistance."

"Do I want to know how?"

"Inui's juice experiments."

"No," Tezuka groaned, "No, you don't, you really don't..."

Both pairs of eyes looked at him with mild concern.

"Oi," Atobe said, "are you all right?"

"I will be... after - why am I tied to a chair?"

"We all are, if that helps," Fuji piped up.

"It _doesn't_. For the record. And how did you know we were drugged, if you were too?"

"That's what it says on the wall."

"I'm blinking," Tezuka mumbled. "I'm blinking, but nothing's coming into focus. Where are my glasses?"

"Under your chair."

Atobe shifted and peered at Tezuka's legs. "You can _see_ them? Because I can't."

"No," Fuji said, "but it says that on the wall, too."

"And does it say that we're going to be stuck here until we transfer large amounts of cash into a Swiss bank account?"

"Actually," Fuji mused, "it does."

"Well, then, someone _give me a phone_."

"Where am I?" Ryoma's voice rang from a corner. "Why does that sound like the monkey king?"

"Because it is," Fuji chirped. "And seeing as we've all got our hands tied to chairs, I'm not sure any of us could hand you a phone at the moment."

"Oh," Ryoma said stiffly. "I wasn't sure. Didn't hear anyone _cheering_, so I got confused. Is Buchou here too?"

"Sort of," Fuji said, looking at Tezuka's pale form.

"Was I - Was I given a different drug?" Tezuka attempted to move.

"I doubt it," Fuji said. "I think you've been eating too healthy, Tezuka. No exposure to germs and no development of some decent antibodies. We'll need to fix that."

"No, you don't," he managed. "And who's 'we'?"

"You're _tied up_," Fuji pointed out. "Right now's a good a time to start as any. And there are four of us here, counting you."

"We're tied up too," Atobe snapped. "By the way, I think there are five of us, unless that unidentified lump in the other corner is actually a sofa."

"I resent," Sanada growled, "being referred to as a lump."

"You're awake," Atobe said.

"I have been," Sanada replied, "but I didn't think it necessary to partake in your conversation until now."

"Defending your honor?"

"Perhaps. Or perhaps I found that I had the inquenchable need to inform you that your hair is sticking up in some very interesting directions."

"I'm not going to fall for that."

"You already have," Fuji murmured, as Atobe frantically struggled to touch his head.

"Can we leave now?" Ryoma asked.

"You do realize," Atobe sneered, "that if we could have, we _would have_?"

Ryoma shrugged. "Some people aren't smart."

"You just insulted your captain."

"Buchou's _drugged_. He doesn't count."

"Will you be quiet?" Sanada roared. "You're not solving anything!"

"Unresolved sexual tension," Fuji said, amused.

Sanada's head whipped around. "_What_?"

"That's what it says on the wall. In blood. Bright red. You can't miss it."

"In _blood_? That's _gross_, Fuji-senpai."

"I didn't write it."

"Oh, sure you didn't," Atobe snapped. "I'm sure you didn't tie us to these chairs, either."

"I'm tied too," Fuji said patiently. "I can't tie myself, can I?"

"You have an accomplice!"

"Would I lock myself in a basement with you, though?"

Atobe sniffed. "Most people would _kill_ to be in this situation."

"Well," Tezuka said from somewhere near his knee, "I would kill to be out of it."

"Don't make threats, don't take threats," Fuji murmured.

"_You're one to talk._"

"Can someone just give me a phone? Or, HEY. HEY. ARE YOU LISTENING? THIS ISN'T FUNNY. LET US OUT."

There was a soft giggle from a loudspeaker by the door. "Why would we?"

"Hello," Fuji said. "I would wave, except I can't."

"Who're you?"

"This isn't _funny_," Atobe fumed.

"Oh," the voice said, "I think it is. Don't you?"

Another voice drifted in. "Oh, yeah. I haven't had so much fun in ages. Even funnier than that time A--"

"Shhh," the first voice laughed. "Don't give it away."

"Yukimura, Niou," Sanada growled, "Atobe's right."

"Oh," the first voice lilted, "how disappointing."

"Yeah, well, I'd thought fukubuchou knew all along anyway."

"Let us out," Atobe said tersely. "Right now."

"Or?"

"Or I'll _sue_ you."

"Point of interest," Niou noted, "if we don't let you out, you can't sue us."

"You'll be arrested for kidnapping!"

"Oh," Niou said. "That's a good point."

"Don't be silly," Yukimura laughed. "We won't keep you long."

"How do you propose to untie us?" Atobe asked. "Because undignified as that would be, I think I would really enjoy watching someone punch either of you in the face."

"Oh, Sanada won't punch _me_," Yukimura said. "Niou can untie everyone else. Now, please excuse us - we wanted to try out having afternoon tea."

* * *

**HOW IT ENDED**

Ryoma yawned and went home.

Atobe stalked into the waiting limousine and instructed the chauffeur to "drive, and make it _snappy_, because I am in a very foul mood."

Yukimura clapped Sanada's back. "Was it really that bad?"

"_Yes_," was the emphatic response.

Tezuka tried to leave, but Fuji clung to his elbow. "No. Antibody building. _Now_."

"I need to go home, Fuji."

"You can wait a couple more hours."

"I'll think of a better time and get back to you."

"No. Now is a very good time."

"... why?"

"You're _drugged_. That makes things easier."

"Fuji? Fuji!"

* * *

**Notes:** This is not, you know, _actually_ supposed to be shippy. In fact, I pretty much wrote it with the idea that the fandom OT5, all things considered, would probably end up killing each other as opposed to having lots of sex. Which is why the _only reason_ that they're in the same room at all is because a couple of pranksters thought it'd be cool to tie them in chairs, arrange them in a pentacle, and write weird messages with red paint on the wall. Subtlety is lost on this fandom, I realize. 

If you throw rocks, I promise I won't throw them back. Comments and criticism are both greatly appreciated. :)

_Written: January 27, 2006_


End file.
